I never felt comfortable joining a team I didn’t know. I don’t know why. I didn’t like the pressure and commitment. I am not on a sports team right now especially because there are some very good and freakish athletes in high school. I find it difficult to have fun when you are so focused on winning or pleasing your coach or parents. The stress was too much for me and I didn’t like what it was doing to me. The result was a sour and stressed mood after each game because it always felt like I was in regret or wishing I did something different.

I don’t like the feeling when people ask me if I play a sport. I do. But I feel the worst when I say, “just for fun”. The fact that I have to clarify what I am doing is astonishing to me because otherwise it would be perceived as less enjoyable and on a team. I wish that people would understand that just because someone isn’t on a team, they are still doing things.

It’s difficult for me to really please my parents when it comes to extending my boundaries, especially with a sister, Ava, who is confident, outgoing and ready to take on the world. Both of my parents grew up playing sports on teams; my mom was an ice skater up until around 2017 and my dad played football in high school and when we were overseas.

It’s honestly been difficult for me to branch out of my comfort zone recently. I’ve always felt paranoid about new things I wasn’t sure about. I have joined a couple clubs but that’s it for school related commitments.

I play basketball with my dad in a league. It’s just not a league with people my own age. I am going up against grown men who swing elbows and grunt up and down the court. Some of them are very good and have a pure jump shot while others miss open layups, like my dad. As a kid playing against men, it’s difficult to get a good shot up. My dad says it’s a good thing because it will make me better at getting around defenders bigger than me. It’s tricky when a good defender is guarding you because then it isn’t fun anymore. It feels awful when you know you are good at something but you can’t prove it to yourself.

I always got that feeling after one of my Little League games or a Rec and Ed basketball game. The games of baseball or basketball would always bring up nerves that I struggled to suppress right before the game started. I was fighting myself from hiding away or refusing to play.

Now, I feel a sense of relaxation when it comes to commitment. Yet, only on certain things. But I am so thankful for my parents being so understanding with my needs. As a result of this, I believe that sports are amazing for people but people should be able to set boundaries.