Seventy feet at least – that was my guess.
Seventy feet above Maynard Street, I loosely clung to the fence that stood at my back. Small drops of blood rolled down my leg and out onto my shoe, which rested half on cement and half on open air. One hung precariously on the edge of my shoelace for a second before gravity took it; it plummeted down towards the grey concrete below. Craning my neck to watch, it hit the ground a second or so later with an earth shattering splat. Everything is louder when you’re so high. I could feel other blood droplets as they slowly paraded down my leg, weaving in between the hair and leaving lines of red in their wake. I decided against looking. I hate blood – ironic, considering I’m at least 70 feet from what promises to be a bloody death.
I would never have started to bleed if the fence hadn’t been so high. Just a minute ago I had been on the other side, looking down on the bright downtown below me. I had quickly clambered up the intertwined metal to the top, which was around eight feet high, and when I slung my leg over to the other side, it had scraped against a piece of twisted metal at the top, drawing blood. Ignoring the stinging throb on my shin, I cautiously climbed down the fence and onto the small ledge that protruded above the street.
I took a deep breath.
Despite the fact that it was 10:37 p.m., the town was eerily quiet. Of course, the majority of college students were at home; it was early June and their school year had ended over a month ago. It was also a Tuesday – not many high school students come downtown on weeknights. As I peered down at Maynard’s sidewalk, illuminated by streetlights, a neon sign for a pub and the faint glow emitting from the bookstore, I saw just three people romping through the streets.
Two were a couple – they were in their twenties and the woman’s arm was woven through the man’s. She was talking and he chuckled and smiled every few seconds, encouraging her to keep telling her story. He looked down at her; she was pretty. Long, curly brown hair and a broad smile that exposed her dazzling, perfectly straight, white teeth. For a second, he looked away from her, sighed and rolled his eyes. I knew that look. Her story must have been dreadfully boring; but I got it. He just wanted to get laid tonight. They walked under the parking structure I was gracefully perched upon and out of my site.
The other man hastily waddled down the street in the other direction, towards the perpendicular, three-way intersection of Maynard and Liberty Street. He was dressed in a coat that was too small, a hat that was too torn and a beard that was all too homeless. Over his shoulder he carried a shiny, black garbage bag, filled to the brim with empty beer bottles and soda cans. In the other hand he held a flask and each time his left foot touched the ground, he lifted it to his lips; every now and then he took a sip, but more than not he would move it away from his mouth, shaking his head in the process as if he were scolding himself. He stopped by a waist height garbage can a few feet from the intersection and took off the top. He dove inside, upside down, falling in waist deep into trash and began to sift through for pieces of aluminum or glass that he could turn into 10 cents at the nearest grocery store. As he dumpster dove, his hairy left butt cheek mooned the stores behind him due to a tear in the back pocket of his jeans. After 20 seconds, he emerged, holding eight cans and one bottle, a toothy grin on his face. Stuffing them in his toy sack of junk, he continued on and turned at the intersection, leaving me to look at just the empty street.
You should probably just kill yourself now. Just get it over with. Now is a good time. Do it now. Now!
10:39. I was wasting my time people watching. I should just kill myself now. Distractions have always been an issue for me, even when I’m trying to complete the most simple tasks. I don’t have ADHD (I’ve been tested), I just hate to do things for school. I’ll go to my room, pull out my homework and sit down at my desk, but after five minutes, my eyes will divert to a Batman comic instead of the fundamental theorem of calculus. The surprise computer for my birthday hasn’t been very helpful either, presenting itself as the best distraction of all. I socially network, chat with my friends, listen to music and watch pirated movies online. Consequently, my grades dropped and my parents freaked. They didn’t understand the academic downfall just like they didn’t understand the depression; the lack of motivation to do anything, even the things that I loved the most. And so the yelling began. Whether it was my B on the physics test or negligence in turning in a three-point homework assignment, they would yell. Slowly, I broke. I had nights where I cried for an hour – just cried. The more they yelled about how I should be motivated to do a better job, the less motivated I became. I turned into a vegetable. I would sit at my desk, doing nothing, being mindless.
But then why did I want to kill myself?
Stop reminiscing! This is a time for action, not for thought. Don’t think anymore. Just go ahead. Why don’t you step forward? Let gravity do what it was meant to do. Let you fall. Fall. Just fall.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wasn’t sure why I wanted to kill myself. Many times I thought that it was because I could never see an actual point in life. It was just a cycle of succeeding. If you succeeded in high school, you were able to go to a good college. But then, you would have to succeed in college to get a good job. The cycle never ended in my mind, and the cycle didn’t seem enjoyable. Why be a part of the cycle when you can remove yourself from it? I could avoid the difficulty of life by ending mine now. Sure, I had had fun moments in my life – there just didn’t appear to be much of an upside.
10:42.
Just DIE already! Just JUMP you big pussy! It’s not that hard…you jump and you won’t have to think about it anymore! Remember – act, don’t think. It’ll all be over in just a matter of seconds! You’ll hit the concrete and won’t feel any pain; you won’t remember anything! Why are you still holding on to the fence? LET IT GO! You’re on the right side of the fence now – the good side, the problem free side. On the other side are your parents; on the other side are your teachers; on the other side are the people you don’t like; on the other side is your homework, are your college essays, are your miserable sports teams. Why would you be there when you can be here? When you can relax! When you can be free of worry! When you can just…fall.
I let it take me. I let the demon overcome me. I let him become me. He ate me from the inside for months and now the feast is complete. It’s over and the demon is full, the demon is ready to strike. My face drops, my muscles relax. It’s weird – I’ve heard people say that it takes less muscle to smile than it does to frown – then why is it so much easier to frown? Gravity? That’s why it’s easier to fall. Gravity. That’s why it’s easier to frown. Gravity.
Gravity.
Take me gravity. Gravity.
10:43.
Jump!
Okay. I’m jumping. Give me a second.
No! JUMP!
Okay, okay, relax! Jeez.
I extend one foot over the edge and let it hang there for a few seconds as I take a few deep breaths. I close my eyes. The grip in my fingers slackens – I can’t tell if it’s from the sweat oozing from my palm glands or the change in my feelings. Maybe both.
I feel like a tooth, a baby tooth. Hanging on to the gum by a few threads. Now just one thread. Time to pull out the tooth.
3.
Jump!
2.
YES!
1!
GO! GO GO GO! JUMP! YES, JUMP! GO!
“Hey!”
I open my eyes and look down at the street below; standing in the middle of the road is a short girl. She looks up at me with wide eyes. I peg her as a senior in college, early twenties. She carries a heavy looking backpack, most likely weighed down with several massive textbooks.
“I said ‘hey!’” she calls up to me, waving her hand.
What did she want?
No! Make her leave! Or just do it. She can watch.
“Hey,” I say back.
10:45.
Jump!
Wait.
“What are you doing?”
I blink. Isn’t it obvious to see?
I stand there puzzled, clinging to the fence tighter now. I don’t know how to respond so I just wait it out in silence.
10:46.
Jump.
Silence.
“Can I come up?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Don’t slip,” she says. I almost smile.
Jump.
She runs beneath me, leaving her backpack on the sidewalk, and into the parking structure. I wait, breathing deeply and looking up at the sky. I didn’t want to look down anymore for fear that I might throw up if I did. My legs begin to shake – I feel higher up than I had before, but now it’s strangely quiet.
Although I’m sure it only takes a minute or so, it feels like an hour before the girl appears on the parking structure roof.
“Hey,” she smiles and pants, slightly out of breath. “Why are you doing that?”
jump.
I shrug.
“Just because. I don’t know,” I reply, stupidly and quietly.
“Don’t.”
I turn my head to look at her. She wears a sweet smile but her eyes deceive her mouth; they are wide and filled with sadness and worry. Her eyebrows are high and she begins to take a couple of steps towards me, her golden hair bouncing. She reaches the fence and puts her fingers through it, almost touching mine. She looks at me.
“Don’t jump.”
I look at her for a couple seconds.
10:49.
jump.
I turn around on the ledge with my back to the street, my body pointing towards the parking structure and the girl.
“Why do you care?”
“Why would I want you to die?” Good response. Witty.
“But you don’t even know me.”
“Then let me get to know you,” she says. “You can jump later. But if you jump now, you won’t ever get to truly meet me.”
jump.
She extends her fingers and places her hand gently against mine, my hand on one side of the fence, hers on the other, palm to palm.
She smiles with her eyes now.
“I’m Kate. Nice to meet you.”
jump.
