It’s supposed to be fun right? I’m supposed to want to be here right? The thoughts rolled through my head while I looked down at my little feet that hadn’t been in pointe shoes, covered in pink tights and ballet shoes. A voice echoed through the room. One word. “Jane.” I knew it was my teacher. I could feel the anger and disappointment in her voice. “Are you paying attention? You’re not going to get better by daydreaming. You might not even get better if you try, because you aren’t turning out your feet.”
I wanted to quit. Of course, I wasn’t going to get better. I couldn’t do the things that the older girls could do. It was always, “You’re not turning out your feet,” or “Pointe your toes or no one will want to watch you,” or “Hold your arms so you don’t look like spaghetti.” Never, “Good job” or “I can see some improvement in that.”. I wasn’t getting better. And I wasn’t going to. Then everything shut down. We went online. I didn’t turn on my camera for ballet class anymore. I didn’t have that smile I used to have when I ran across the floor. “This is going to be the last ballet class I take,” I would always tell myself when logging on.
A year later, nothing changed. I was still dancing in my room. Unhappy with what I was doing, I felt like it was a waste of time. I had a friend who danced at a small studio in Chelsea, Michigan. They were taking classes in person. She hadn’t taken an online ballet class in months. I knew that this was how everything could change. I could get out of my room and back into the studio that was always my safe space. A lot of my friends had quit. I didn’t know anyone except for two people at the new studio. My mom enrolled me in classes there. I went and knew this was where I wanted to be. I began in-person classes again.
Finding myself in the studio again was hard. After wanting to quit for over a year, I had to get back into a routine and back into doing what I love. It took me a while, but I realized I could find joy in ballet again. All I needed was a new start. I’ve found my place now, and I’m better than ever. I’ve always loved ballet, and I now recognize that the reason I didn’t quit was because I was too scared to lose it. I knew I wouldn’t be the same without it. Wanting to quit somehow made me stay. I kept showing up every day, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. A new start was all it took. The whole time, in the back of my mind, I knew I wouldn’t quit. It’s something that’s been a part of my life since I was a little girl jumping around the small studio, watching the older dancers spin across the floor with their pointe shoes. Now, as the big girl I always looked up to, I want to show the little girls who are now looking up to us, that you just have to keep going. Sometimes all it takes is a change. Change can be scary, but also one of the best things you can do.
