It’s a sentiment that I hear all too often: “High school was the best time of my life.” From teachers to parents to so many adults in between, these comments make it feel like I should be living the prime years of my life right now. While it can be fun, and there are parts I enjoy, as a current junior in high school, I feel this statement is only partially true.
At this time in my life, I am more stressed, anxious and overwhelmed than I have ever been before. With demanding school classes, many extracurriculars, multiple sports, homework, social responsibilities and preparing for standardized tests like the SAT and ACT along with much more, I find myself to be constantly worried about something. When I’m not thinking about school, I’m thinking about how I performed in my sport the night before. When I’m at basketball practice, I’m thinking about the four assignments I have due at the end of that day. It feels as if I have no break, not a second to pause and take a breath.
While one may think that the long list of activities I stated earlier is unique to a stereotypical “try-hard” student, the reality is: it’s not. To get into a college considered to be remotely “good,” this is the bare minimum. With almost every high school student doing so many more things than just school with the goal of getting into the college of their dreams, it creates immense pressure for others to follow.
It feels as though I’m in a pressure cooker, teetering on the edge of an explosion. But I keep it in. I stay silent and keep the negative thoughts and feelings deep within me. I am forced to continue pushing through, assignment after assignment, until eventually it begins to feel like I am being engulfed in a whirlwind of everything that I can’t escape from. This is when my mental health deteriorates.
What begins as simple stress turns into anxiety. This anxiety produces a fluttery feeling in my chest which remains until I shut my eyes at night. I also begin to feel sick. Not a stomachache or a fever but rather a constant rush of pressure that consumes me, leaving me to feel helpless and without worth.
Despite not being in the best state of mind, I still end up attending to the many social responsibilities a high school student deals with. Friendships and relationships, they all rely on a constant flow of communication. But when I’m going through a stressful time because of high school obligations, the first area of my life to be affected negatively is these connections. While the connections I have with people in my life are what I turn to in times of need, they are also what I distance myself from when I’m struggling.
I see this pattern in many of my friends as well. To me, it’s a lot easier to distance myself from people and not talk about what I’m going through than to stay close and have to be vulnerable. While this has benefited me in some ways, it has also strained many of my friendships. It seems like I’m doing my friends a favor by not burdening them with my own issues; to them, it seems like I don’t feel comfortable enough to share the hard stuff in my life with them. It’s a constant back and forth. It’s definitely something that I am still figuring out how to navigate.
Despite all the negatives, what makes high school bearable is the silver lining that shines through in the moments I make meaningful connections. Things like being able to see my friends every day, competing in sports and figuring out what I want to do with my life through different clubs. But even during these activities that are seemingly supposed to give me joy, I find myself stressed. Whether it be playing time in a sport or all the responsibilities being a leader in a club holds, even the fun parts of the high school experience seem to have flaws.
Another big component of my view on high school is the slight but always looming fear of a shooter choosing our school to take fire. While the chances of this are unlikely, seeing countless school shootings reported on in the news has made me stop and wonder, “What if….?”. On top of all of the daily tasks and responsibilities we take on as high school students, having the small voice in our head fearing for our lives brings on a whole new level of anxiety.
When all of the problems and tribulations combine and come at me at the same time, it feels like my world is ending. Whether it ends in bottling up everything I’m feeling or having a mental breakdown, all this stress seems worth it to me for the ultimate reward: getting accepted into the college of my dreams.
