Some words need to be reclaimed. “Failure” is one of them. Failure has many connotations, most of which are negative. When we think of failure, the first thing that comes to mind is uncontrolled falling — having no control over what’s happening. We dwell on the fact that we lost our grip. But failure isn’t the end. Instead, it’s evidence of effort. Julie Kaplan, a therapist in Ann Arbor, believes that we need to start redefining failure.
“We need to stop thinking of failure as a bad word and see it as things that are in our control and things that aren’t.” Kaplan said.
Kaplan believes that by focusing on the things that we can control, we’re able to identify areas where we could have done things differently and ultimately learn from our experiences. There’s always going to be things we can’t control. But to grow and succeed, we need to accept that.
“If we sometimes expect that we’re going to fail at things and see it as a part of life, then actual failure doesn’t hit quite as hard as when we think, ‘We can’t ever fail at anything,’ because we’re going to [fail],” Kaplan said.
Kaplan notices that her clients, high schoolers and adults alike, often define failure too harshly. Sometimes, what feels like a failure is actually a growing opportunity.
William Militzer, CHS senior and jazz pianist, has come to realize that his mistakes lead to improvement. He often uses tools like a metronome to work on his rhythm, and if Militzer gets a beat off, it can be frustrating; it can even feel like a form of failure.
However, Militzer still believes that each mistake helps him to find success in the end. He sees failures as learning opportunities: when playing piano, if he makes a mistake, he will slowly pick things apart — every note, every rhythm, every phrase — and be very methodical. He has faith that, through working through his failures, he will eventually achieve success.
If we don’t have faith in the process, failure can easily trigger anxiety, especially for those juggling school, relationships and future plans. Kaplan advises high schoolers to focus more on the present moment. Anxiety and stress can sometimes interfere with our “to-do lists,” especially for those of us juggling multiple activities and commitments. Kaplan suggests integrating calming routines — like mindful breathing, journaling or physical activity — into our day-to-day life.
“Don’t suffer by yourself,” Kaplan said. “There are a lot of different options and tools that you can add to get support and manage your anxiety so that you can still do what you need to do. You can enjoy life and manage the anxiety.”
We shouldn’t face stress alone, and sometimes our friends are some of the best support we have. Lean on a friend’s shoulder because that’s what they are there for. When a friend is struggling, even a simple act like a kind word or a reassuring hand can carry immense weight. Start using your friends and support chains. Along with calming routines and regulating our bodies’ stress signals, these activities can help create a calmer mental state, which allows us to confront and reframe the thoughts that drive the fear of failure.
But even with these supports, it’s impossible to avoid failure entirely.
“We have to be sad and disappointed and let ourselves feel those feelings before we start moving on,” Kaplan said. “It’s really important that we see failure as just a normal part of life.”
Ani Ledbetter, CHS sophomore, has learned to set realistic goals using SMART goals: specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound goals.
Ledbetter first learned about SMART goals when she set her own expectations too high and was hurt in the process. In middle school, Ledbetter joined the crew team, and she loved it. Her coaches were encouraging, and she kept pushing herself. Then, in high school, the competition grew tougher.
“I lost all of my motivation,” Ledbetter said. “Setting such high expectations for myself that were really unrealistic sort of made me lose all my love for the sport.”
Ledbetter used her disappointment as motivation to try something new. She shifted from chasing perfection to setting SMART goals. For Ledbetter, what truly matters is how she responds to failure and how she chooses to move forward. After Ledbetter quit crew, she had more time for activities she couldn’t do before, like mock trial. More recently, she has taken a larger role in the club.
Ledbetter’s experience is just one example of how failure can open unexpected doors. Her story reminds us that setbacks are a shared human experience. We all have big wins, frustrating losses and events in our lives that are just fine, like Militzer and Ledbetter experienced. We tend to focus on one failure instead of all of the other parts of our lives. While failing can always feel hard — whether physically or emotionally — there are always things that we can do. The most important thing in dealing with failure is to take a step back to see the whole picture. We have to have faith that we will succeed; we have to understand that “bad” feelings are only temporary. We survive.
“We’re not perfect, and we are gonna make mistakes,” Kaplan said. “So having faith and the ability to navigate through challenges and believing that even if there’s disappointment, things are gonna be okay, is really one of the most important mindsets. When we have that mindset — seeing failure as a part of life — it [failure] doesn’t hit as hard.”
It is important to remember that everyone fails, and the more we fail, the more we learn. When we accept imperfection as part of being human, setbacks lose their sting. Faith — in ourselves, in the process, in the possibility of better — becomes the bridge between falling and growth. Believing after failure is the quiet courage to keep moving forward, trusting that things will be okay.
