Your legs go numb, your life falls apart as you’re rushed to the hospital—your mind racing. Screaming and yelling, you suddenly become violent and rude—no longer yourself. Having spent your whole life believing your thoughts were ordinary and that you weren’t capable of having a disorder, only to find out your brain isn’t what you thought it was.
According to the World Health Organization, “Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition that affects a person’s mood, energy, activity, and thought.”
When I was first diagnosed with bipolar, I was pissed. I didn’t want to live my life with a disorder I didn’t think I had. I told someone I had been diagnosed, and they told me their sister had bipolar as well. I felt a sense of connection, but my heart plummeted when they soon admitted she shot herself in the head. Another time I mentioned my disorder, someone said, “I knew somebody with bipolar. They killed themself.”
After these interactions, I learned not to share my diagnosis with people. I didn’t want to hear that my fate was suicide. But, for many people with bipolar disorder, that is their fate.
According to the Director of Research at Bipolar UK, Tania Gergel, “Globally, approximately 15–20% of people with bipolar disorder die by suicide, with 30–60% making at least one attempt.”
But suicide is not everyone’s fate, as a therapist told me, “Bipolar isn’t a death sentence.”
Despite the comfort I found in those five words, my worries reminded me of my past experiences with mania and depression, remembering the few days of glory and then irritation before my world tears itself apart again.
Many turn to drugs.
“Substance use disorders (SUD) are highly prevalent in bipolar disorder (BD) and significantly affect clinical outcomes,” said the National Library of Medicine. “Incidence and management of illicit drug use differ from alcohol use disorders, nicotine use of behavioral addictions. It is not yet clear why people with bipolar disorder are at higher risk of addictive disorders, but recent data suggest common neurobiological and genetic underpinnings and epigenetic alterations.”
I’m then left questioning: How do I live with bipolar disorder?
“Talk therapy, also known as psychotherapy, can help children and teens manage their routines, cope better, handle learning difficulties, make social problems better, and make family bonds and communication stronger,” said Mayo Clinic. “Several medicines are used to treat bipolar disorder. The types and doses of medicines prescribed are based on your symptoms. Usually you’ll need a mood stabilizer or an antipsychotic medicine that functions as a mood stabilizer.”
How effective is this combination?
“Combining medication and therapy is highly effective for managing bipolar disorder, frequently reducing relapse rates by 40-60% and nearly halving relapse frequency compared to medication alone,” said Bipolar UK in a study which looked at bipolar therapy.
Before I was diagnosed, I was on a high dose of Prozac, an antidepressant that healthcare providers thought would work to my advantage. In reality, I was undiagnosed and actually at severe risk of mania. “In people with unipolar depression, antidepressant treatment is associated with an increased risk of subsequent mania/bipolar disorder,” said the European Psychiatric Association.
After my first manic episode, I slowly had to piece my life back together, trying out a variety of medications, leading me through mania, severe depression and confusion. I lost all understanding of how to feel.
Statistics are against bipolar people, and many think suicide is our fate. I don’t think it has to be, and I know bipolar people who are thriving. Celebrities have spoken and advocated for people with bipolar disorder and shown that you can have success and fulfillment. Being diagnosed young is both a curse and a blessing; I’m hyper aware of my emotions, but I know what I have. Bipolar disorder will get easier with time, and I haven’t tried nearly enough strategies. This won’t be my fate.
I’m not yet thriving; I’m still surviving.
